Alone
by loveadubdub
Summary: She and Lavender are nothing alike. With Lavender, he was trying to prove a point. With Hermione… she is the point. RON'S POV DURING DH


**ALONE**

* * *

It's their first Christmas as a married couple, and he's intruding.

Ron is well aware of the fact that he is overstaying his welcome. He's also aware of the fact that his brother and sister-in-law are getting annoyed with his presence. They should be celebrating their first holiday together as their own little family, but he's there invading their space. They won't say it, of course, but he can tell. Bill is his brother, the only brother who's really never made his life hell in one way or another, and he can tell when he's annoying him. Fleur says nothing because she doesn't want to say something that will offend her new husband or his family, but he can tell that she wishes he weren't there.

He wishes the same thing.

Of course, no one's really in the Christmas spirit this year, but that's not surprising. There are a huge number of people who want to kill them, and there are many more who are already dead. It's depressing no matter how you look at it. But he watches Bill and Fleur try to bring _some _semblance of normalcy to the holiday. Their house is decorated with holly and bright bows. There's a Christmas tree decorated all in pink and gold. The house smells like cinnamon and gingerbread, and there are always freshly baked holiday treats in the kitchen.

It's sort of like the Burrow, just much less crowded and much more put together.

But Bill is nice to him. He's always been nice to him. He knows what happened, and he hasn't blessed him out or told him he's a selfish twat or anything like that. If his other siblings were around, they wouldn't be as nice. The twins would tell him he was a prick and that he didn't deserve to even _know _Harry Potter. Ginny would be worse. She would call him a coward and tell him that he was never worthy of them in the first place.

She wouldn't be saying anything he doesn't already know.

He's never considered himself to be terribly brave, but now he's positive that he's the biggest coward on the planet. What kind of person runs off and abandons their friends in the face of danger? What kind of person just leaves their best friends all on their own to die?

He can't make himself think that.

He also can't escape it.

Whenever he closes his eyes, he sees death. He sees green lights and fallen bodies. He sees things happen that haven't happened yet, and he isn't sure if he's psychic or if he's just seeing his worst fears. He can't tell the difference because his Divination teacher was always shit, so he doesn't think he's ever properly learned the subject.

But that's it. His worst fear.

He's already known people who have died for it. He doesn't want it to happen to anyone else, especially the ones closest to him. He is scared for his family. And he's scared for his friends. And mostly, he's scared for her.

He promised her last summer that she didn't need to be scared. She wiped her parents' memories and then showed up in his bedroom in tears. And she told him she was scared- scared for her parents and scared for her friends and scared for herself. And he told her she didn't need to be scared. Her parents were safe now. Her friends could take care of themselves. And _he_ would always take care of _her. _Deep down, they both knew it was an empty promise because there was no way of knowing how or if _anything _would be alright.

But she believed him then because she needed to.

He's made that same promise countless times since then. Every single time she got a little too scared or a little too worried or even a little too cold, he's hugged her and tpld her everything would be okay. It was an easy way to get close to her, and that's what he wanted more than anything. He's been wanting it for ages, but he hasn't had the courage until recently. The last few months, though, he's been able to hug her and comfort her and even sometimes _kiss_ her hair or her forehead. Protecting her made him feel useful and important, but it also gave him plenty of selfish benefits as well.

But now she hates him.

He'll never get to even _touch _her again because she'll hate him forever. If he ever sees her again, she'll just ignore him. She won't even give him the satisfaction of shouting at him. Doing that would be too familiar. She always shouts at him- that's normal. It's when she doesn't acknowledge his presence that he knows things are really bad.

And now she'll pretend as if he doesn't even exist.

He can't believe how badly he's managed to fuck it all up. He's never been the smoothest person, but he's never even been close before. But now… He almost had it. He almost had _her. _He knows it, too. He knows that she was right within his reach. Everything he was feeling… she was feeling it, too. The problem, of course, is that he's _still _feeling it and she's probably trying to forget she ever knew him.

He doesn't know why he didn't do something about it. He could tell she felt the same way, and if he'd told her or done anything about it, she wouldn't have stopped him. He doesn't know why he never did. Maybe he just thought he was doing the right thing. After all, he never wanted her to feel like she was just another Lavender Brown- someone to snog and then move on from. She and Lavender are nothing alike. And neither are his feelings for them. He wants her like he's never wanted anything in his entire life. With Lavender, he was trying to prove a point. With Hermione… she _is _the point.

But what does any of it matter now?

He won't ever get to take care of her again. He'll never get to hug her or promise her that everything's going to be alright. He may never even see her again. She could die any second, and he wouldn't even know. He'll kill himself if that happens. And he's completely serious. He won't deserve to live, not after he let her die.

He feels bad about Harry, too, but maybe not as bad.

That's his best friend, and he knows you're not supposed to abandon your friends. Still, as much as he loves his friend, Harry's always had a tendency of having _everything. _Ron knows it's stupid and petty, and truthfully, now that he's older, he doesn't even think he'd _want _half of it. Not after he's seen the consequences that come with all of it. But Harry's always had the money, the fame, the glory… Everything Ron always wanted.

He couldn't stand it if Harry got the one thing he wanted most in the world, too.

And that's all he can think about. It's all he's thought about for weeks and weeks now. Logically, he knows it's not going to happen. Harry doesn't want her, and she doesn't want him. Not like that anyway. But he still can't stop the images. It's a little bit better now, but while he was in the tent, he could think of nothing else. And it was too much.

So he left.

And now here he is. He's alone in a house with part of his family. It's nearly Christmas. And he's never been more miserable in his life. He'd give anything to get back to them- back to _her. _But he can't. He's tried everything, and he doesn't have anymore ideas. No one can help him, either. He supposes it probably doesn't matter, though.

They wouldn't want him anyway.

Maybe they never did.

* * *

A/N: Just another drabble! This one coincides with "Existing." Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
